They’re Seriously Gonna Pretend That The Guy Who Shot David Ortiz Didn’t Know He Was Shooting David Ortiz?


Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic(CNN)David Ortiz was not the intended target of the murder-for-hire plot that ended with the former Red Sox star being shot, authorities in the Dominican Republic said Wednesday.

Prosecutor Jean Alain Rodríguez Sánchez told reporters that a friend of Ortiz, Sixto David Fernandez — who was seated at Ortiz‘s table — was the target of the bungled hit.

The suspected gunman was only sent a photo of Fernandez, who was wearing clothes similar to Ortiz that night. The prosecutor said the lightning made the shooter confuse one for the other.

Well, I guess they are. On the surface, this looks like nonsense. The only guy on the planet who looks like David Ortiz, is David Ortiz. He’s the most famous guy in the Dominican Republic.

Even if the world’s worst hitman *Only $7,800 to fucking kill a guy!!!* was after a different guy, wouldn’t he stop and think, “wait I can’t shoot him, that’s Big Papi”?

David Ortiz is like Kobe Bryant or Hulk Hogan. They walk into a room, and you know who they are, and who they aren’t. No way someone gets paid $8,000 to take a guy out and the shooter just accidentally pops Shaq.

The facts just don’t add up. This story just gets weirder and weirder, and now that we know Ortiz will make it, I kinda don’t want it to end.


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